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Humor In The Mountains - Page 1

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "Lets see how well you can do." I hate liver and cheese," blurts out the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

dog

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."


A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic lamp with a genie inside. The genie told him he would grant him three wishes. The man's first wish was to get out of the pit.
**POOF** The first wish was granted.

He then wished for all the gold in the world.
**POOF** The second wish was granted.

The man, not wanting to waste his third wish, told the genie he would make his final wish after thinking about it a while. Then he went out and bought a Ferrari with some of his gold.

As he was driving in his new car thinking about all the possibilities for his third wish, his favorite advertising jingle came on the radio and he began to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener...'
**POOF**

dog

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. I'm not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed", says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk", says the husband. "It doesn't matter", says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."


There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here? The man answers, Yeah, I live down the street. No kidding? says the first man, Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school? Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you? Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too. Where'd you go to college? Beloit, in Wisconsin. No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm? Kevin Sullivan dorm. Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . .

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing? Joe looks at them both and says, Yeah, that's just plain amazing.

A third man comes in and says, Hey Joe. What's new? Joe says, Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again.

dog

A lady was walking down the street on her way to work when she sees a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. As she passes the store, the parrot says to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. She doesn't stop, she just keeps walking and mumbles to herself all the way to work about how rude it was for someone to teach a bird to say such a thing.

On the way home she sees the same parrot and it again it says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Now she becomes incredibly angry, as she storms home thinking that she would call the store and complain to the owner, but once home she decides just to let it go.

The next day the same parrot again says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady is so furious that she goes into the store and threatens to sue if they don't do something about the bird. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises that he will make sure the parrot doesn't say it again.

That day after work, as the lady walks past the store, the parrot calls to her, "Hey lady."
She turns and glares at the bird expecting to hear the same thing, but instead the bird says, "Hey Lady... you know."


A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. So the jeweler looks through his stock and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique," the man said. At that, the now very excited jeweler went and fetched the special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl's eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

How are you paying?" asked the jeweler. "I'll pay by check; but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can cash it at the bank Monday morning, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, I'm Sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

dog

A woman from Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7-word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, Billy Bob died - 1983 pickup for sale."


A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry.

She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?


OK, here it is . . .



"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

dog

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for old one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. Shortly after a helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away.

The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! The Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come" Again, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the old man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man why did my Lord not rescue me?"  St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat, what more could you want?"


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

dog

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise The Lord!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise The Lord. God I Need Food!! I Am Having A Hard Time. Please Lord, Send Me Some Groceries!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise The Lord."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise The Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"


A blond suddenly realizes her house is on fire. She immediately dials 9-1-1.
The fireman answers, "Yes what's your emergency?"
The blond replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"
The fireman asks, "OK, How do we get there?"
The blond says, "Duh, big red truck!"

dog

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.


JESUS IS WATCHING:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you keep coming up with seven rabbits?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

dog

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


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